Archive

pregnancy

State of the Uterus

March 13, 2012
pregnancy
Leave a Comment

-Round ligament pain! That’s a thing that’s happening now. It feels like a groin pull that lasts twenty minutes and spreads all over your abdomen. It typically happens about 1/10th of the way into my mile walk to work. Great timing, body!

-My ribs decided to start spreading a couple weeks ago. I could feel them moving. They have since stopped that nonsense. Let’s hope they don’t start up again for awhile.

-Messed up dreams! This week’s dreams mostly revolve around breastfeeding, or rather my inability to do so. My dream-breasts keep on producing things that breasts should not produce! Chocolate, lanolin, water…Yeah, I don’t know.

-I’ve reached that point in pregnancy where everything I do makes me pee a little. If we’re hanging out and you make me laugh, chances are you’re also watching me pee a little bit. In my pants.

-Bending over to put on shoes, shave my legs, or cut my toenails feels a lot like bending over a water balloon that may pop at any second. It’s slip-on shoes, hairy legs, and pedicures from here on out.

-All I want to eat is salad (spring mix, spinach, organic strawberries, goat cheese), chicken nuggets (dinosaur-shaped because I am five), and ice cream (moose tracks). I’m sorry, baby.

-My belly button is getting shallower by the week. I’m not thrilled by the idea of it popping out, but I guess it’ll do what it needs to do.

-Braxton Hicks! My uterus isn’t amused by baby’s backflips.

-My first “OMG IS MY FETUS ALIVE?!” freakout! Baby decided to take a break from kicking and flipping for an entire day last Thursday. That’s completely normal and you’re not supposed to start kick counts until 28 weeks, but that didn’t stop me from getting in a super funk that lasted two and a half days. That was a day and a half too long since baby wouldn’t stop moving the next morning. My baby must think I’m a total jerk. I spent all of Thursday afternoon and evening poking and wiggling my stomach to try and get things moving. Then I played bad music on my belly through my iPhone. Sorry, baby.

-According to the internet, my uterus is now the size of a soccer ball. Whoa.

It’s that time again. Crazy dreams!

March 6, 2012
dreams, pregnancy
Leave a Comment

It seems that lately, almost all of my dreams are nightmares. The odd thing about these nightmares is that they don’t affect me when I wake. Prior to pregnancy, if I had a nightmare, I’d wake up in either a weird dissociative state or would be irrationally angry at whoever wronged me in the dream (sorry, The Daddy). Now? It’s like, “WOW! That was fucked up! Thanks for working that out, brain!” and then I go on my merry way. I imagine this has something to do with working out pregnancy/life-change anxiety. Whatever it is, I’ll take it.

Three recent dreams: Ok I was going to do 3 but considering the first is a three-parter, I’m doing one. ONE DREAM. I’ll do my messed up Ursa cave dream in another post.

The triple-threat WTF dream!

Part one: Deep Sea Balloon Chicken.

For reasons beyond my understanding, me and my friend Lara were in a battle with a gang of rogue make-up artists who were trying to kill us. Our childhood best friend, Kelly, was the leader of their pack (that’s totally messed up, Kelly). This battle took place miles out over the ocean, and we rode on balloons! Pro tip: balloons are not the best mode of transportation during battle.

Anyway. These crazy make-up artist bitches (sorry, Kelly) were ganging up on our sad little team of two, spraying make-up and perfume in our eyes and trying to stab our balloons with their make-up brushes. We fought long and hard and managed to send several of them plummeting into the water below. For some reason, these were mostly ladies from the MAC counter. The Clarins counter girls fought dirty and nearly had us both down. The last thing I remember was me and Lara retreating to our safe boat to add more balloons and tend to our wounds. As comical as this dream was, it was terrifying. Then we fade out to…

Part two: Bad Bridesmaid

This one was short. Kelly decided she wasn’t happy with her wedding that happened in real-life last Spring. She wanted a do-over, and we all happily obliged. We had a wedding procession that traveled from the reception site to the ceremony site on foot, a mile away. A half-mile in, I decided that I NEEDED wedding cake so I ditched the procession and hauled ass back to the reception hall. I pretended that the bride had sent me back for quality control purposes and I ate SO MANY PIECES OF CAKE. So many. I then ran back to the procession, hair falling down, dress disheveled, and cake all over my face. I didn’t arrive until after the ceremony had started Oops. As Kelly glared at me, we fade out to…

Part three: Rachel Maddow..?

Yeah. Rachel Maddow. Only in dreamland, I was Rachel Maddow. I was minding my business, walking home from the grocery store, when I came across a bridge that I had to cross. It was full of scary bad-ass dudes who were fighting in the middle of a ring of trashcan fires. I decided to cross by climbing over rocks that bordered each side of the bridge. I was about a third of the way over when a man popped up from between two rocks, held a knife to my face, and demanded my bags and all of my money.

I briefly considered my alternatives – retreating over the rocks would be too precarious and I’d end up hurt, killed by the crazy guy, or I’d fall down the cliff a couple of feet over from the rocks. Giving him my stuff wasn’t an option – in dreamland, Rachel Maddow is a badass and would not stand for that nonsense. The last option? Fight back! I (err, Rachel?) pretended to be reaching into my pocket for my wallet but instead, I quickly reached over and knocked the knife out of his hands. Then I grabbed the knife from between two rocks, stabbed the guy in the chest, and shoved him off of the cliff. Safe!

Now instead of having a normal-people reaction and calling the cops, fleeing, or sitting there in a traumatized puddle of blubbery tears, I magically summoned a film crew to film the guy as he plummeted to his death below. While filming the fall, I was LAUGHING and mocking the guy, saying “bye-bye!” and waving obnoxiously. What…? Dreamland Rachel Maddow/me is a crazy bitch, apparently.

Yeah. So. That’s pregnancy brain for you. More dreams coming up soon.

Baby kicks!

March 4, 2012
pregnancy
Leave a Comment

I was told multiple time that because I’m a bigger girl and have an anterior placenta* that I wouldn’t feel the baby kick until around 22 -24 weeks and might not feel kicks from the outside until the very end. I’m 22 weeks now (22 weeks and 3 days, to be exact!) and have been feeling baby move for over a month! On Thursday, I felt baby kick from the outside. Go baby, go!

*An anterior placenta means my placenta is in the front of my uterus instead of in the back. That means it acts as a nice cushion in the front making baby harder to feel, my stomach stick out further, and back pain is more severe. This baby better be cute.

Answers to your burning questions.

March 3, 2012
pregnancy
Leave a Comment

I’ll save you guys some trouble. The answer to “What are you having?” is “Hopefully a pony.” and the answer to “What are you naming it?” is “Spandex Amadeus Orpendorph.” These answers will not change until June/July.

Also, this line of questioning won’t trick me into telling you things:

Person: What are you having!
Me: A baby!
Person: Haha, no really! What is it?
Me: We’re not sharing that yet.
Person: Oh! Well, what are you naming it?!

It burns.

February 23, 2012
pregnancy
Leave a Comment

It’s not even noon and I’ve already blown through a third of this roll o’ Tums. Apparently the old wives tale about heartburn = hairy babies is true 82% of the time according to some study that some really bored doctors did, which leads me to believe I am incubating a monkey.

I had a Reese’s cup McFlurry last week and it knocked it out for like four hours, which was magical. If that is seriously the only thing that works for long stretches of time, I’m going to have to get a bag of those mini cups and a giant thing of vanilla ice cream and make my own. It’s a good thing I’m still at my pre-pregnancy weight.

Lesson learned though, regarding McFlurry consumption: Never post on twitter that you’ve just eaten a McFlurry unless you’re prepared to withstand Internet Rage and accusations of poisoning your fetus.

Baby, it’s too early to give Mama a heart attack.

February 15, 2012
pregnancy, ultrasound
Leave a Comment
I have the most stubborn baby alive. Our half-hour anatomy scan today ended up taking a little over an hour because she decided to a) spin around every time the tech or doctor tried to get a good view of her heart and b) not uncross her ankles ever, so it appeared that she had no right foot.

The poor tech had to do part of the ultrasound with me laying on my side facing away from her to get half of the heart shots, never got the foot shots, and we’re still missing one thing on the heart. I might have to go to a pediatric cardiologist for a fetal echo if they don’t find what they’re looking for after going through the pictures. It could possibly mean a heart defect but we won’t know til they review the images. The doctor came in and found her foot, so at least there’s that.

It’ll be TWO WEEKS before we know if baby’s heart is ok or if we go for a fetal echo.

She is SO grounded when she comes out.

Feb. 16 update: I just got a very apologetic call from the doctor that did my second ultrasound. She said she reviewed the u/s tech’s images from the first ultrasound that day and found what she needed. The tech missed them because she was rushing to leave early. The doctor sounded super pissed and embarrassed!

Time for VapoRub?

February 12, 2012
pregnancy
Leave a Comment

Ok, when does this super sense of smell go away? It’s getting crazy. I have PTSD and am already extremely hyper-vigilant because of that. With the PTSD/pregnancy combo, I can smell when The Daddy opens the fridge when I’m in the living room! I just cleaned it out a couple of days ago, so I know there’s nothing funky in there stinking it up!

Horrible things happened to my vagina.

January 18, 2012
doctors, pregnancy
Leave a Comment

Today I had my first high risk prenatal appointment. I went in at 8:30am and was told it would take a half an hour. I got out at 10:45am. That was unexpected.

First issue: I’m on three medications for an endocrine disorder and autoimmune disorder. The medications had been approved at my first trimester appointment, though that wasn’t a high risk appointment and was at a different clinic. The specialist at the new clinic wasn’t happy when he learned what I was taking. Great.

The medications I’m taking (cytomel, levothyroxine and metformin) pose no risk to the fetus but the specific combination of medications make my TSH difficult to monitor and adjust for, and one may make the results of my glucose tolerance test inaccurate. I have to go back to the clinic at 7am tomorrow morning (ouch) to have labs done, stop two of my three medications, increase the dose on one, and then have new labs run in two weeks to make sure my thyroid doesn’t completely flip out. If I’m either a zombie or a crazy insomniac over the next two weeks, you know why.

Second issue: my last pap smear wasn’t in the computer system. I get them religiously every year, so that bugged. I was wary of having one done while pregnant because any spotting freaks me out. It sort of comes with the territory of having a 45% miscarriage risk vs the normal miscarriage risk of around 10% or something. Anyway. I asked if I should expect bleeding and warned the doctor of my sensitive cervix. She said not to worry and to expect some spotting.

…and then I felt something warm between my legs. For a moment, I thought “Shit, did I just pee myself?!” and then realized “…oh. That’s blood.” I bled so much, it ran out onto the floor. There was a pool of blood on the floor and on the exam table. There was blood on the doctor’s pants. It took a couple of minutes for the bleeding to stop so that I could sit up and clean myself off. That was messy business. The doctor had that “I’m trying to stay calm for the patient :D :D” look on her face, which was not exactly reassuring. Now I am anxiously waiting for the bleeding to stop so I can ease up on the whole “Everything is awesome and okay!” mantra happening in my head right now.

Third issue: apparently it’s rare to have Braxton Hicks early in the second trimester. I had a cramp/contraction/whatever on Saturday morning. It wasn’t painful, just strange. There was a shudder in my abdomen and then it tightened all the way across and stayed that way for about 30 seconds. I wasn’t overly concerned, so I didn’t rush to the ER or anything since I had an appointment scheduled for today. I guess I should’ve at least been more diligent in my calling because as soon as I told the doctor, she said “Ok let’s go get the ultrasound machine and make sure everything is ok.” Everything’s fine, baby was kicking. It was a bit scary when she was eager to get the ultrasound machine though since at my first appointment it seemed like a total chore to get the doctor to use the doppler so we could hear the heartbeat.

Yeah, so hopefully my ONE MILLION upcoming appointments are less dramatic/bloody than the appointment this morning. Assuming my thyroid labs and glucose tolerance test go well, I get to switch to midwife care. Fingers crossed I can leave the high risk BS behind.

Things people don’t tell you about pregnancy

January 12, 2012
pregnancy
Leave a Comment
  • The unwanted advice? It starts immediately. You might find yourself in a cab with a man who won’t shut up about coffee, so you decide to tell that man, “I’m pregnant; I can’t drink coffee.” in order to shut him up. Then instead of shutting up, that man might spend the whole twenty minute ride giving you breastfeeding advice. Yeah. That’s a thing that can happen.
  • As a woman, you’ll receive zero credit for the conception from the outside world. He did everything. Honestly, you probably don’t even have to be there. The sperm will come shooting out of your partner’s penis and no matter where you are, it will find you. It may be flying and wearing a cape while doing this, and it’s probably fighting off bad guys and saving kittens along the way. No one really knows – it’s not well-documented.
  • Around 5 or 6 weeks, you might have crazy thoughts like, “MY NIPPLES ARE SORE! THIS IS AWESOME! Pregnancy symptoms mean I’m still pregnant! HOORAY FOR SORE NIPPLES!” You will probably be expecting those symptoms to go away though, perhaps during the fabled magical second trimester when people say you feel normal and not pregnant. Ha. HA! My nipples have been sore since October. On a particularly bad day, the blowing wind hitting my chest will make me wince. This is decidedly Not Awesome.
  • Your cat may unexpectedly start sniffing and purring at your nipples. Seriously.
  • You will sleep in the first trimester. All the time. All.the.time. You will sleep while your partner is driving you to the grocery store. You will nap at work. You will go to sleep on the couch at 7pm, wake up at 8pm, and be in bed asleep again by 8:30pm.
  • Maternity clothes? Awesome. No, really. Pants with panels are as comfortable as pajamas. The shirts go on sale lightning-fast and half of them don’t look maternity. I got a t-shirt for two dollars. TWO DOLLARS! I found a nice tunic for $5.50. I want to wear maternity clothes forever.
  • Orgasms in your sleep. In your sleep! Without even trying! Magic! This can also be slightly embarrassing, when your partner is awake before you and you don’t know if they knew what was going on. Awkward. But seriously, magic.
  • Less magical: waking up with carpal tunnel. If you don’t know that pregnancy carpal tunnel is a thing, you might wake up to find one arm numb and/or tingling and you might think “holy fuck, my fetus gave me a stroke!” but then Google will tell you otherwise.